


The Furried Frenzy of the Fuhrer

by seekingferret



Category: Danger 5
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 13:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2852117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekingferret/pseuds/seekingferret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An American national treasure is threatened by the Nazis. Good thing Danger 5 is on the case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Furried Frenzy of the Fuhrer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Morbane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morbane/gifts).



Colonel Chestbridge stormed into the Danger 5 aerie. "Listen up!" he bellowed. "The Nazis have enslaved the entire population of Great Northwestern Bigfoots."

"Bigfeet," Claire said. "The plural of Bigfoot is Bigfeet."

The Colonel glared at her. "Shut up, Claire! Intelligence says that they're transporting the Nazi Bigfoots to the Eastern Front. With their winter hardiness, they could be the secret weapon to defeat the Red Army!"

"Да, верно," Ilsa said derisively.

"Forget the Russian Front," Jackson said. "The Bigfoots are an American national treasure. We need to rescue them from Hitler's maniacal grasp."

"Неважно."

 

\---

Tucker passed his binoculars to Ilsa. "There must be fifty bigfeet there. And they're getting ready to cross the border into Russia."

Ilsa looked through the binoculars. The sasquatches were arrayed in five even lines of ten sasquatches apiece. As she swept her binoculars eastward, she focused on the big red sign with yellow lettering saying "WELCOME TO RUSSIA. ORIGINAL HOME OF BORSCHT."

She held out her hand to Tucker, who passed her a bottle. She bit off the cap and took a swig.

"What are you doing?" Jackson growled. "That was a Molotov cocktail."

"Я выпил лучше," Ilsa sniffed.

"Hey, where'd Pierre go?" Claire took the binoculars from Ilsa. "And why are there fifty-one bigfeet now?"

"No, there aren't. Hand me the binoculars." Tucker accepted the binoculars and trained them on the approaching column. "There's an extra one at the back now!"

"Дайте мне эти." Ilsa snatched the binoculars. "Вот Пьер, идиоты."

Pierre gave a small wave and a grin from the back of the column and held up his furry paw to reveal a perfect marconi, complete with an olive on top. Then he went back to talking to the Bigfoot in front of him.

"He's infiltrated their ranks!" Tucker exclaimed. "Good work, Pierre," he shouted. The whole column turned to look at the Danger 4. 

"Look what you've done, Tucker," Claire complained. "Now they see us... they're advancing on us!" 

"Хорошая работа, Такер, вы заманили их от российской границы." Ilsa said.

"But he decoyed them right at us," Jackson said. He jumped up in front of them, between the rapidly closing Bigfeet and the heavily armed team. "Nobody shoot. Bigfeet are an endangered species. Killing them is a violation of the Endangered Species Act."

Pierre reappeared at Tucker's side. He cradled his Bigfoot head mask in the crook of his left arm. "Friends, I have discovered how the Nazis are controlling the Bigfoots."

"Bigfeet."

"They have captured the Queen of the Bigfeet. They are torturing her and will kill her unless the Bigfeet serve as loyal Nazi footsoldiers." 

Jackson chimed in, "We need to rescue the Queen! Let's run away so we can regroup and make a new plan."

\---

Claire looked grim. "So we're all clear on the plan, right? We lob Molotov cocktails at the guard post as a distraction, and then Pierre, Jackson, and Abraham will sneak past the guards onto the base. Once they're inside, Abraham should be close enough to detect his queen using his subdermal antenna. Tucker, Ilsa, and I will lead the Nazi guards on a merry chase."

"Wait a minute," Tucker said. "Where are all the Molotov cocktails?"

Ilsa burped.

"Don't worry, my friend," Pierre said. "I will fashion some new improvised explosives."

Claire continued. "After you rescue the queen, we will rendezvous and free the poor, enslaved Bigfeet and save Russia from a dark, furry fate. Are we all in agreement?" Everybody nodded.

\---

The explosives went off with a fine bang-bang, drawing the Nazi guards away from their post in pursuit of the bombers. Ilsa and Tucker and Claire jumped onto the three seats of a motorcycle with twin sidecars and voomed off into the distance. From the left sidecar, Ilsa leaned back and fired occasional bursts of machine gun fire at the Nazi guards chasing them. 

As they saw the distraction roar by, Jackson and Pierre crept onto the base with Pierre's Bigfoot friend. They roamed the hallways cautiously, alert for any Nazi soldiers to shoot before they could sound an alarm. Suddenly, a look of panic came over Abraham's face. His arms shook. His eyes watered. His nose twitched. "I can sense her now," he said. "She's that way!" He pointed a big furry hand down a shadowy hallway. A door with the words "Der Torture Room" written in English on it was at the end of the hallway.

As they approached, they could hear the anguished screams of the Bigfoot Queen through the flimsy prop door. In a rage like a Seattleite without his coffee, Abraham tore down the door. It was pretty easy, given that the door was already about to collapse. Inside, they saw a horrifying sight. Two short Nazi scientists were kneeling by the Queen's bound legs, trying to force her feet into tiny glass slippers.

"You monsters!" Jackson growled as he entered the room. "Pointed toes are out of fashion!"

The door quietly clicked shut behind him. There was a gunshot. Abraham fell to the ground, howling bestially. Hitler emerged from behind the door, cackling evilly. "I knew my torture of the queen would lure you here. Now, you will all die." From an unseen side door, six Nazi soldiers emerged with Schmeissers. They pointed them at Pierre and Jackson.

"You're an idiot, Hitler," Jackson said. "Did you think we would come to this base all alone. Look behind you, that's our backup coming." The Nazi soldiers turned in unison. This was a fatal mistake. They all got shot in the back of the head by Pierre and Jackson's heroic guns. 

Hitler saw that he was all alone. His eyes looked panicked and then darted to the window (which had not been mentioned before because it wasn't relevant). He raced across the room, dodging the bullets from Jackson's machine guns, and leapt through the window. The glass shattered.

Pierre cradled Abraham Lincoln in his arms. "My friend, hold on. We will get you to the doctors soon."

"No," the sasquatch whispered. "I am dead, but I have helped to save my Queen, so it was not in vain... Three parts vodka.. one part Galliano... five parts pomegranate juice... The perfect Booth Headbanger." His eyes closed and he sagged in Pierre's arms. 

Jackson untied the Queen and ran to Pierre. "We need to go now. This whole base is rigged to explode." They fled to safety, dragging the weakened Queen behind them.

\---

Back at the aerie, the team relaxed after a long, hard day's work. 

"Good thing we saved an American national treasure today," Jackson said. 

"Мы спасли Россию от американских монстров." Ilsa said. 

"Why don't you just kiss already," the fans said.

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with H, T, and B.


End file.
